A Good Cry

Its been awhile since I had a good cry. I think having a cry every now and then is good for you. I say this because I believe it releases endorphins, I notice post a good cry your skin tends to look better and overall I think you feel better after it … most of the time. Yesterday was a “bad” day. I think the weight of everything going on around me was too much to bear. Reasons for my emotional outburst yesterday include:

• At work the constant back and forth of the same piece of work is making me doubt my abilities as a business analyst. The nit picking of the smallest irrelevant component of my work makes me question my skills and clouds my judgment. I feel very embarrassed when others have a constant dig at your work.
• Loss in basketball and my poor performance. I feel I really try and do my best when I play basketball and find it very frustrating when the effort does not pay off. I know I can be better, I wish I played better.
• Eli’s skin constantly flaring up. We try and do our best to keep his skin under control and it does clear up but then it starts up again. Its becoming frustrating and tiring constantly managing his condition.
• Eli didn’t sleep much last night meaning we didn’t get much sleep last night. He doesn’t sleep through the night as it is, but last night he was extremely difficult to put to sleep. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. He refused to eat, we made sure he was dry and we moisturised him so he wouldn’t be scratching himself but still he cried and fussed for most of the night.
• A rude email I got from a relative. I asked my mum’s cousin for a favor to mock up a cartoon picture of Eli for his 1^st birthday party invitation. I got the first draft the other day but replied with some feedback and changes. The response I got shocked me as I was told he could not do what I asked as its not his area of expertise and believes this would be a dragged out process which he does not care about. He rather not use his personal time to be doing what he does all day. I was annoyed at the attitude and rudeness. What did I ever do to him?
• The uncertainty of the unknown regarding where we’re going to live. Last weekend we looked at a house and also some display homes. We are undecided about whether to move to an existing home or build a brand new house. Location of where to live. If my parents are not going to be in the area for much longer well then what’s the point in living in the area considering its so far from work?

Everything seems all too much for me and last night I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I just struggled to keep quiet about how I was feeling and I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of days now.

I feel my confidence dwindling and a lack a sense of purpose. I feel so alone at times and feel no one understands me. I question whether I do a good enough job in how I go about my day and wonder whether life would be better for everyone if I wasn’t around. I don’t expect praise for the tasks I do but I feel no one is there to encourage me. As full as your life may seem to everyone else you may actually feel it is quiet empty. 

I’m just so tired and over it. I just want a few hours break from my life.

A Moment of Weakness

Eli's been very unsettled last few days. What I mean by unsettled I'm talking about burst of sookiness or "fake cries" throughout the day, constantly wants to be held and taking up to 3 hours just to get him to sleep. It's an exhausting process which takes up so much time and poorly appropriate now that Ian's gone back to work. 

We don't really know what could be causing it. We've noticed his skin has flared up again due to the recent heat and humidity so he's been scratching his chest and behind his ears in irritation. We also noticed his ears were really smelly last week with lots of ear wax and we did go to the doctors to get a recommendation on how to tackle the wax but was told to do nothing more than what we're doing now.

This unpredictable behavior has made me wish I wasn't a mom. Made me want things to go back to how they use to be. I hated that I had no time to do anything I wanted to do, how all Ian and I ever talk about is him and planning our lives around him and annoyed at how demanding and hard work it all is.

But then he'll raise his arm and play with my mouth or babbles a conversations with me and my heart just melts. Seeing him happy (when he isn't sooking) makes me happy and fills me with love. 

I love my son so much. He is my precious gift and I will ensure no harm ever touches him.

I may not like being a mom at times but this love I feel towards him and the flow on affects it has on me I'm glad he bought it into my life.

Falling in Love

Yesterday Eli wanted to play most of the day and when he was sleepy he wanted to be held. So we spent most of the day ogling and looking at each other. We're bonding so much and I'm falling so much in love with him. I say this because I was not one of those mothers who cried when they first saw their baby or felt an instant flow of love for this person who just miraculously appeared. 

Let me explain .. Firstly I'm a direct and thick skinned person. I let a selected few people close to me and always have my guard up. With people I don't trust I tent to take a pessimistic approach to the relationship until they have proven themselves to me. I view relationships as a choice, as in you choose who you want to associate your time with therefore, if you are surrounded by malicious people then that's your choice and it's your choice to get yourself away from those people too.  

So if those are my views on relationships how can you expect someone like me to meet someone I don't know and just love this person without first getting to know them a little more. 

I recall a conversation about motherhood with another mother who asked me "didn't you just fall in love?" I didn't respond cause my answer would have been "No ... we don't know each other that well just yet." 

I know regardless a mother will love their child but I can admit for me it didn't come instantly. I always thought the "bonding" they speak of between a mother and baby was for the baby's sake but I believe its for the mother as well.