Hello 2014!

This first month of 2014 feels like it's flown but at the same time it's been slow. Ian's holidays have come and pretty much gone now. Those six weeks literally flew and we used the time to do pretty much nothing relatively interesting except bond with the boys and tick off a few boring "grown up" stuff. 

My Breaking Point

Today is the first day I feel like I've accepted defeat and let family take Eli for a few hours. Yes, I've left him with family before but its usually so I can run errands or get to an appointment. And I say defeat because emotions got the better of me. 

Today (due to his antics yesterday) I actually want him out of the house, out of my way for the simple reason that he's driving me ... to that point. That point I don't want to go to, that point I told myself when I entered motherhood I'd never go, that point I'll remember as a low point in my parenting if I reached it. The point I'm referring to is, basically my breaking point where I'd snap it and taking it out on him. So to avoid that point I need to put some space between me and the little guy and so today my parents took him away to the playground and back to their place to stay. Away from the potential monster inside of me I could unleash on him. 

Another first I realised was, today was the first time I've had any time alone with Kai. No kuya, no dad, no family members just me and the almost four week old hungry little hippo. Just the two of us enjoying a quiet home, me closely studying every inch of him and lying together in our bed without any fear that a small active toddler isn't going to climb up and jump all over us. 

My control freak nature needs to let these days happen more frequently. Whole days without Eli at home to let me bond with Kai, let me study, let me focus on my ideas but mostly to let me regroup mentally from all the giving and nurturing.

The last several months have been so busy in our home so for me, today has been long over due.

When was the last time you took some time to zone out from your everyday life? What do you do to re energise your mind?

The New Family Dynamics

We've been a family of four for a few weeks and its quiet interesting the dynamics in the household now.

Firstly update on Kai. About 10pm the following night after his birth we returned back to the hospital. He had not passed urine at this point and so it was suggested we come into the hospital so they could monitor his kidneys. His early scans indicated he had dilated kidneys so it was something we needed to monitor at birth. We were instructed to go to the Special Nursery, this is where really sick or premature babies stay. It was hard seeing some of the babies in there they were so small and helpless. I know they're asleep but at times seem so lifeless lying in these enclosed glass incubators. And seeing their mothers weeping over their child. All I could do was swallow that big lump in my throat and contain my emotions. My heart goes out to them and the fears they must be experiencing.

We were given a private room to stay at over night so that I could come into the nursery every 3 hours to feed Kai. The following morning a group of doctors came into the nursery and reviewed him and his case. It felt like a scene from House, five doctors discussing his history, symptoms and coming up with diagnoses and recommendations. They conducted another scan on his kidneys and diagnosed that his dilation didn't need to be reviewed further so we were discharged that afternoon. A dilation of 7mm is considered a "red flag", Kai's dilation was only 1mm, a common result for a lot of babies apparently and is usually ignored because of the low rating.

Besides that initial hiccup he's been a dream. All he does is sleep and wakes for feeds (I hope I haven't jinxed myself now). It's the opposite from my first experience and its so refreshing to have a baby who loves to sleep. When I review all my past posts during the time Eli was a newborn all I did was complain about the lack of sleep we both were having and his unsettledness. Kai's a hungry little hippo and feeds often too. At that start I wondered whether he was getting enough milk because he was a lazy feeder but now he feeds well ... really well.

Eli well he's ... adjusting ... in his own way. Eli calls his brother "baybee k'hi" and I love it when he says it, its so cute. He loves holding him and asks to hold "baybee K'hi" often. He showers him with kisses and hugs I know he's so in love with his little brother already.

Eli is surprisingly not jealous. He doesn't seem bothered I'm holding another baby and he's more than happy to share my attention with someone else. I think it bothers me more that he's not bothered. But there was one time when my arms were free from Kai, he reached for a hug, climbed into my arms and said "I'm your baby now." You're always going to be my baby Eli, even your little brother.

We have noticed though a sudden increase in ... "cheekiness" in Eli and this is how we think he's coping with the change. Even when we instruct him not to do something and threaten him with 'time out' he still does it. Repeating instructions doesn't seem to work and he tries to push the boundaries each time. He's even more selective about when he wants to listen to us and either screams or sulks loudly when he doesn't get his way. We find ourselves tired not from the newborn but managing Eli's new behaviour. We want to correct him without the use of force or fear but it gets harder to keep your cool when we're constantly having power struggles with a two year old.

And mum and dad ... Well we're coping with the two little men. We still pinch ourselves that we have two gorgeous boys. If someone told me three years ago I'd be a parent of two, I wouldn't have believed it. These past few weeks I couldn't have survived without my husband, his presence has been a great help. It really is a team effort with the constant tag teaming you need to do. It's not hard just demanding. It will be interesting how I cope on my own once Ian goes back to work.

Admittedly having a newborn hasn't been too much of an adjustment this time around. I guess it helps that Eli's not really sleeping through the night just yet so we're still use to having our sleep broken.

Although I've forgotten what it's like to constantly hold a baby and have limited movement. When a child learns to walk on their own people say that's when the "work" starts because you have to follow them around. But when you are use to not having to carry a child and revert back to having a newborn who needs to be constantly carried, it takes some getting use to .... again. You forget how physically restrictive a newborn can be.

So that's our current family dynamics at the moment. I'm sure by the time we've adjusted to the current environment it will change again.

Motherhood ... S#!t Just Got Real!

Today my son experienced his first real attack by another child. I say "real" cause he's been hurt by other kids before but they were genuinely innocent however today was not the case. 

A friend and I decided to take our sons to one of those children play centres. I've recently discovered these little gems which is a God send cause it allows my son to run, climb, jump, pull and push various objects and himself around a relatively safe environment. At the conclusion of an hour at one of these venues he's usually knocked out for a few hours.

Today was the first time Eli went with another boy and I discovered he was a lot more confident with a friend in tow. He didn't drag me along onto the ball pitt or want me to hold his hand on the jumping castle. I was actually surprised to witness him jumping on it by himself for the first time. He followed and interacted with my friend's child, he basically tried everything my friend's older son did, it was really interesting to watch.

But of course there was a moment a familiar cry was heard, so I went over to my son to see what was wrong. I comforted him and decided to stand close by at this point as my friend and I were sitting in the cafeteria area prior. After some reassurance he went back into the ball pit and shortly after I saw a little girl bigger than him, I'd say probably three years of age pulling his hair. I walked up to her and firmly told her "No! Don't pull his hair." Eli cried again and the little girl's mother made her way over to us at this point. She said nothing. 

After comforting Eli once again, I suggested we move back to the toddler area which both Eli and my friend's son relocated to. About ten minutes later the mother and her little girl then appeared. Being weary I kept a constant eye on the kids, the mother however continued to focus her attention on her mobile phone. 

Soon after while Eli was sitting on the ground the little girl pushed herself onto him and began scratching his face. I bolted over to where they were, yelling at I believe at the top of my lungs "No! Get off him!!" I grabbed her hand off his face and picked him up. The mother who was only centimetres away from where the kids were and was oblivious to what was occurring right beside her.  

She apologised, yelled and smacked her child. The only response I could muster was "Watch your daughter she has obviously been picking on him all day!" Eli was obviously very upset as his face was bleeding from four different scars. 

I was fuelled with anger but silenced but the shock. There was so much I wanted to say but found myself voiceless. My friend gave the mother a few words but I'm sure it fell on deaf ears. 

The outcome angered me. I already gave her own daughter a warning and physically moved away from her. The mother bring her back around my son but then doesn't watch her own daughter knowing she's had a go at another child at the centre already. I felt frustrated at myself for not saying more to that mother either. 

Sure, experienced parents may say "that's what kids do" or "it won't be the last" I can accept that. But this is my first time going through this so let me be mad! But the outcome of this as well is I'm ready to be one of those parents now. Those parents who defends their child at all cost, shameless, abusive and all. If another parent wont teach their child right from wrong and crosses my child's path, expect to get a taste of it from me. 

*Exhale*

On top of that had an antenatal appointment today and got some unexpected results. I was reassured its common and nothing to be concern about but hearing discrepancies in key organs was the icing on the cake. I broke down and had a cry with the midwife, I think we bonded a little more today. 

I will be repeating some tests just to confirm everything is okay and I will stop googling as it's not helping my fears.

*Exhale*

So a tough day today in mummy land. I'm sure it won't be the last and there will be tougher battles in the future.