30 May 2012

A Good Cry

Its been awhile since I had a good cry. I think having a cry every now and then is good for you. I say this because I believe it releases endorphins, I notice post a good cry your skin tends to look better and overall I think you feel better after it … most of the time. Yesterday was a “bad” day. I think the weight of everything going on around me was too much to bear. Reasons for my emotional outburst yesterday include:
  • At work the constant back and forth of the same piece of work is making me doubt my abilities as a business analyst. The nit picking of the smallest irrelevant component of my work makes me question my skills and clouds my judgment. I feel very embarrassed when others have a constant dig at your work.
  • Loss in basketball and my poor performance. I feel I really try and do my best when I play basketball and find it very frustrating when the effort does not pay off. I know I can be better, I wish I played better.
  • Eli’s skin constantly flaring up. We try and do our best to keep his skin under control and it does clear up but then it starts up again. Its becoming frustrating and tiring constantly managing his condition.
  • Eli didn’t sleep much last night meaning we didn’t get much sleep last night. He doesn’t sleep through the night as it is, but last night he was extremely difficult to put to sleep. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. He refused to eat, we made sure he was dry and we moisturised him so he wouldn’t be scratching himself but still he cried and fussed for most of the night.
  • A rude email I got from a relative. I asked my mum’s cousin for a favor to mock up a cartoon picture of Eli for his 1st birthday party invitation. I got the first draft the other day but replied with some feedback and changes. The response I got shocked me as I was told he could not do what I asked as its not his area of expertise and believes this would be a dragged out process which he does not care about. He rather not use his personal time to be doing what he does all day. I was annoyed at the attitude and rudeness. What did I ever do to him?
  • The uncertainty of the unknown regarding where we’re going to live. Last weekend we looked at a house and also some display homes. We are undecided about whether to move to an existing home or build a brand new house. Location of where to live. If my parents are not going to be in the area for much longer well then what’s the point in living in the area considering its so far from work?

Everything seems all too much for me and last night I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I just struggled to keep quiet about how I was feeling and I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of days now.

I feel my confidence dwindling and a lack a sense of purpose. I feel so alone at times and feel no one understands me. I question whether I do a good enough job in how I go about my day and wonder whether life would be better for everyone if I wasn’t around. I don’t expect praise for the tasks I do but I feel no one is there to encourage me. As full as your life may seem to everyone else you may actually feel it is quiet empty. 

I’m just so tired and over it. I just want a few hours break from my life.

22 May 2012


We saw the allergen specialist last week and discovered Eli has further allergies. Not only is he allergic to cows milk and eggs but also to wheat, nuts, soy and seafood. So basically he can’t eat anything … well that’s what it seems like. He’s on special formula which you can only buy with a script and he’s also seeing a dietician to assist in an eating plan.

Admittedly since last week his condition has cleared, he’s in a much better mood and I can see he is growing.

This morning I get a voice mail however advising me that his blood tests have come in and the doctor wants us to come into the office to discuss. When I spoke to the doctor I wanted to know how bad it was – I’m not waiting until this afternoon to know this information? Basically blood work came back with relatively high results to all allergies meaning if he was exposed to any of these proteins he may suffer from an epileptic shock. She talked about potentially have adrenalin (epi-pen) available for him as a precaution.

Poor Eli, he just want to be extra special (and expensive).

10 May 2012

Another Allergic Episode

Eli is having another allergic reaction episode. We are rattling our brains trying to figure out what could have been the trigger this time.

It started on Sunday morning. Aunty took him down stairs to play in the lounge room. He had a morning feed consisting of formula milk and he was jumping about the couch reaching and pulling on the curtains. After that we noticed a bit of redness around the face and by that evening it was around his mouth and every day since the condition has slowly gotten worse. This morning he looked like a swollen chinese baby again. His face was red, puffy. His eyes were chinky cause his face is swollen and he looked uncomfortable. We took him back to the doctors who suggested maybe it is the soy milk he is currently on and suggested we give him a diluted amount going forward until we see the allergy specialist on Tuesday.

It breaks my heart to see him in this condition. He's itchy, unsettled and overall unhappy. Because he hasn't been 100% in a long time I haven't been taking photos of him lately, I don't want any evidence of how bad his condition is.

Earlier Ian asked me "Do you think his condition would be in this current state if you were still breast feeding?" I know this all started when I stopped breast feeding. Thanks for making me feel even more like sh*t.

6 May 2012

The Problem With Someone Like Me

Someone like me who loves to plan things to the smallest detail tends to hit a planning road block. What I mean by this is a person like me gets to the point where they're over planning because you've reviewed all the information and or options to consider but still can't make a decision.  

Right now I'm a bit over planning our Europe holiday.

It has required so much more thinking, planning and research than I imagined, and this is just deciding on accommodation. I think it's because of a number of reasons:

  1. I'm picky about where I stay. It has to be clean, comfortable trimmed with all the modern extra's I've become accustomed to as a gen-y. 
  2. Close to all the action. I want to be able to step out and be amongst the main attraction or within close proximity to major sites.
  3. Within a budget. I have allocated a budget for each city and category of what we want to do, however trying to stick to it and ensuring it meets the requirements I've mentioned in 1 and 2 is proving to be difficult. 
So far we (I) have booked accommodation for Paris, Santorini and Rome. Next on the list is Florence, Crete and Ian is responsible for sorting out London. 

Maybe I should take a break from planning so then it will get me excited about it all over again. I just worry that I will miss out on accommodation that meets my requirements above if I leave it too late. Which has been the case a few times. 

So far we have booked apartments opting for  self contained accommodation as it is relatively cheaper than hotels and resort as they don't have all the frills. Here are some images of the places we'll be staying at.

 Studio apartment close to the Lurve, Paris

Our 1 bedroom loft in Rome

The place I'm looking forward to the most, Aliko Suites in Santorini

4 May 2012

Being Persistant

I'm writing this entry in my son's room which I have spent the past 3 hours in, in attempts to teach him how to put himself to sleep. Or at least be familiarised with his crib so he knows he is safe to sleep in it.

A few days ago we decided we need him to sleep in his cot more and less in our bed especially at night. Admittedly the past few weeks he has been sleeping in our bed at night because I have returned back to work and I like having him close to make up for time away. But he's getting bigger and his kicks are so much more powerful (and painful) that it is affecting our sleep.

The past two nights I've been able to get him to fall asleep in his crib and not in my arms. You don't understand the sense of achievement I felt. So today being a Friday therefore home with bub I'm also trying to get him use to sleeping on his own in his crib during the day. 

We've been at it for the past 3 hours. He's been fussing in his crib while I sit next to it in hopes he'll just give in and sleep. I know he's sleepy. I'm so tempted to put him in our bed but I know I'll be taking 3 steps back. 

"Please Eli go to bed. Mama will be here when you wake. Sleep sweetheart its time for your nap nap"


I've been writing in this blog for several months now. I've had reservations about sharing it to anyone I know in fears of being judged therefore not writing as freely however over the last few weeks everyone I know seems to be on the blog-wagon.

No they're not blogging about being a mum but they are blogging topics, hobbies and subjects that interests them. Good on them! 

I envy their consistency and confidence to put themselves out there but mostly I envy that they know their blogdentity. They know what topic(s) interests them and they're out there writing and sharing what they're passionate about. 

I've read other blogs that are more "feelings" based - I do and I do not want to go down that route. I do want to capture how I felt at various moments especially the emotions of being a new mother but I don't want to be so open that those who do accidentally discover my blog knows intimate stories about me and my family. 

I then start to think about what I'm passionate about and nothing really comes to mind. I like to try everything at least once, I get over things quickly and I don't claim to be perfect at anything. So I thought a little harder, came up with items I like to do in my spare time and this is what I came up with:
  • Spending time with my son. Teaching and playing with him as much as I possibly can in hopes it's helping his motor skills.
  • Surf the net for anything that comes to mind - research, reviews, update myself on a current affairs
  • Online shopping and or window/screen shopping (where I look but don't buy anything) 
  • Planning and organising stuff ... if something needs planning I have the right spreadsheet and plan to tackle it. I think subconsciously I try and find things to plan so I can keep myself occupied.
  • Work out on P90X. I am now a firm believer the gyms are  a waste of money and if you have the right attitude and drive you can still work out, achieve your exercise goals without paying a monthly subscription to go a venue full of exercise equipment.
  • Pretty dresses. I love dresses and wish it was summer all year round so I could wear dresses all the time (not that weather stops me from wearing them).
  • Travel or more like exhibit travel envy. I try and see as much of the world or my country as much as I possibly can. Depending on my life and financial circumstance.
  • Cooking and following a recipe, because I value documented requirements and process.
  • Basketball, playing it not following it. 
So my blogdentiy is basically a blog about stuff that interests me from a range of topics and hobbies.
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