30 May 2012

A Good Cry

Its been awhile since I had a good cry. I think having a cry every now and then is good for you. I say this because I believe it releases endorphins, I notice post a good cry your skin tends to look better and overall I think you feel better after it … most of the time. Yesterday was a “bad” day. I think the weight of everything going on around me was too much to bear. Reasons for my emotional outburst yesterday include:
  • At work the constant back and forth of the same piece of work is making me doubt my abilities as a business analyst. The nit picking of the smallest irrelevant component of my work makes me question my skills and clouds my judgment. I feel very embarrassed when others have a constant dig at your work.
  • Loss in basketball and my poor performance. I feel I really try and do my best when I play basketball and find it very frustrating when the effort does not pay off. I know I can be better, I wish I played better.
  • Eli’s skin constantly flaring up. We try and do our best to keep his skin under control and it does clear up but then it starts up again. Its becoming frustrating and tiring constantly managing his condition.
  • Eli didn’t sleep much last night meaning we didn’t get much sleep last night. He doesn’t sleep through the night as it is, but last night he was extremely difficult to put to sleep. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. He refused to eat, we made sure he was dry and we moisturised him so he wouldn’t be scratching himself but still he cried and fussed for most of the night.
  • A rude email I got from a relative. I asked my mum’s cousin for a favor to mock up a cartoon picture of Eli for his 1st birthday party invitation. I got the first draft the other day but replied with some feedback and changes. The response I got shocked me as I was told he could not do what I asked as its not his area of expertise and believes this would be a dragged out process which he does not care about. He rather not use his personal time to be doing what he does all day. I was annoyed at the attitude and rudeness. What did I ever do to him?
  • The uncertainty of the unknown regarding where we’re going to live. Last weekend we looked at a house and also some display homes. We are undecided about whether to move to an existing home or build a brand new house. Location of where to live. If my parents are not going to be in the area for much longer well then what’s the point in living in the area considering its so far from work?

Everything seems all too much for me and last night I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. I just struggled to keep quiet about how I was feeling and I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of days now.

I feel my confidence dwindling and a lack a sense of purpose. I feel so alone at times and feel no one understands me. I question whether I do a good enough job in how I go about my day and wonder whether life would be better for everyone if I wasn’t around. I don’t expect praise for the tasks I do but I feel no one is there to encourage me. As full as your life may seem to everyone else you may actually feel it is quiet empty. 

I’m just so tired and over it. I just want a few hours break from my life.
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