Mum Versus Mum

Today Eli had another allergic reaction to formula milk. Why do I say another because two days ago he experienced this already.  We decided to change formula milk brands. Why? Cause we noticed the current brand of milk we were feeding him he wasn't particularly finishing and noticed he would actually pull away as if he is refusing to drink it.

So we went from Nan and tried the Bellamy organic formula. He had a severe reaction causing him to throw up and break out in a rash which eventually turned into hives. It was a scary experience and I felt helpless watching this tiny little person go through this uncomfortable and painful experience.

We eventually got it under control by giving him half a dose of antihistamine, lots of cuddles and back to breast milk. We were also told by the doctors that he needs to come back and do an allergy test so we can assess what he is allergic to, but in the mean time give him as much breast milk or use previous brand of formula since there was no reaction.

Yesterday I come home and my mother had purchased a can of S-26 branded formula milk. She kept insisting that this brand is much better for Eli  because she used it with my sister when she was a baby. I felt obligated to use it because she had purchased the formula already and felt the pressure to give it to him.

Unfortunately Eli also reacted the same way to this brand of milk as he did with Bellamy. Again he projectile vomited everywhere and broke out in a rash and hives. Again I felt scared and worried and sorry for my baby.

I need to stop doing things because older mothers tells me or pressures me into doing things. I should just listen to my baby and to my instincts about situations. If I don't feel comfortable I shouldn't do it. I put Eli at risk because of my fear of saying no. I need to step up, stand my ground and be able to decline suggestions I instinctively feel isn't right. 

Eating My Words

It's December and we all know this month just flies. Then it'll be January and then 1st February 2012 meaning I go back to work. Where did my 6 months of maternity leave go? 

Firstly some background. I started working for my current employer in 7 September 2010. I found out I was pregnant in November and my expected due date was August 7 2011. A month shy of my 12 month continuous employment therefore short of any maternity leave entitlements. My employer offered to hold my title while I go on "extended leave" but for only 6 months. So I must return in 6 months if I want my job back. 

Before going on leave I already felt this was a tough decision. There is the financial benefits to returning back to work but the guilt knowing my baby will only be 6 months when I go back. 

Before having a baby I never cared to understand reasons why mothers stayed at home to look after their children. I consider myself a logical thinker so yes it make sense if you have multiple children, you earn below a certain salary and from a tax perspective it make sense not to work. But the whole staying home cause you want to "be the one to care for your children," you don't really understand that concept until you've had a child. 

For me now I would love to be the one to look after Elijah, especially at this stage of his life. I feel there is no one else who will love him and watch him with as much attention as I would. I want to be there to witness all his first's, teach him how to do things and spend all day with him. I fear although he'll be looked after by family he'll be put in a corner some where and only efforts to keep him quiet will be made instead of enhancing his development. 

Right now I'm happy to play with him all day, I don't make many plans and I get to things when I can - complete 180 to how I was four and a half months ago. I choose to pick him up every time he cries, I choose to hold him while he sleeps so he can feel close to me and I choose a method of nurturing some people might not have the patience for. Everyone is so busy with what they got going in their lives I worry looking after Eli will be a task instead of a commitment.  

Falling in Love

Yesterday Eli wanted to play most of the day and when he was sleepy he wanted to be held. So we spent most of the day ogling and looking at each other. We're bonding so much and I'm falling so much in love with him. I say this because I was not one of those mothers who cried when they first saw their baby or felt an instant flow of love for this person who just miraculously appeared. 

Let me explain .. Firstly I'm a direct and thick skinned person. I let a selected few people close to me and always have my guard up. With people I don't trust I tent to take a pessimistic approach to the relationship until they have proven themselves to me. I view relationships as a choice, as in you choose who you want to associate your time with therefore, if you are surrounded by malicious people then that's your choice and it's your choice to get yourself away from those people too.  

So if those are my views on relationships how can you expect someone like me to meet someone I don't know and just love this person without first getting to know them a little more. 

I recall a conversation about motherhood with another mother who asked me "didn't you just fall in love?" I didn't respond cause my answer would have been "No ... we don't know each other that well just yet." 

I know regardless a mother will love their child but I can admit for me it didn't come instantly. I always thought the "bonding" they speak of between a mother and baby was for the baby's sake but I believe its for the mother as well.