Proud Mummy Rant

During my lunch time run today I was thinking about my son. I think I was thinking about him cause I'm so jealous my husband is spending the next 5 weeks paid to hang out with him. I thought about how much he’s changed in the past few months between now and his first birthday. He’ll be 17 months of age by the end of the year and I wanted to take the time to write down those changes now so the “future Cam” can reread this post, smile and reflect on this season of his life.

You are becoming more coherent and picking up things so quickly. Like when you sit on the couch and find the remote controller, raise and point it toward the tv because you see us do that. Or how you pick up our iphone, put it against your ear and say “ahh-nee!!” (that must mean hello in your language) then put the phone against our ear and say “ahh-nee” again.

You’re persistent especially when you’ve set your mind on something. If you want to grab that item you can see on top of a table you’ll stand on your cute tiny tippy toes and reach out for the object with your tiny arms. If that fails you will find whatever resources you can, like pushing a chair towards the table or pretend you want to be picked up, only to use us so you can get closer to what you want. May you continue to have this attitude in life, never giving up on something you’ve put your mind to even when you face road blocks.

You love music. You love to sing, your favorite songs right now is the alphabet song, bah bah black sheep and twinkle twinkle little star. I love how I'll sing a-z and you chime in at “Now I know my abc …” and sing the rest of the song on your own. Then clap your hands and say “yeeeaahhhaa!!” cheering for yourself afterwards.

You know where your head, shoulders, ears, mouth, eyes and nose are and where those parts are located on me.

You don’t know how to just walk at a normal pace. As soon as your feet touches the ground you’re off in a sprint walking like motion. You’re getting better at not falling over yourself but really you need to slow down. You gravity to any open space. If there is light coming from the smallest crack you will dash over to that light as if you’re making a jail break escape. It’s so cute but annoying as I don’t trust you to stay still in public areas.

You love cuddles and kisses and I love giving them to you. You want to be physically close to people. You love to position yourself snugly under my arms or on top of my chest when we sleep.

When you do something cheeky or naughty you say “oooh no!” like you weren't the culprit yet avoid eye contact when you know I’m telling you off.

You’re such a boy where play time involves wrestling, flipping upside down and climbing. You smell like one too when you sweat. You smell like a sweeter version of daddy ... I'm not looking forward to your smelly teen years.

You are strong and have no fear, always climbing up or down the highest part of the couch, chair or table.

You love to read and be read books. I love how you would grab a book from your shelf and bring it to me saying “boo k!”. You love to control who turns the pages so you will always position yourself between the reader and the book.

I think you understand things or repetitive processes you’re exposes to, like how you know to squat and make room for my hand when you’re standing and I’m putting your onesie together. Giving me space and an oppoutunity to fix you up.

You love balloons and balls. You find them and gravitate to them in every situation, like when we're at the shops and you saw a balloon sticking out from a pram located at the other side of the center. You ran and tried to grab that balloon, unfortunately it wasn’t mine to give to you.

You’re coordinated (like mum ha!). You know how to kick a ball and when you’re concentrating can catch one too. You know how to stack your blocks in order to make a tower and then collapse them in the opposite order to store each block within the bigger block.

You smile all the time and bring a smile to everyone. You’re so adorable and very cute, if I do say so myself.

As much as I want to keep you a baby forever I want you to keep growing and developing I’m excited to see more of who you will become. You make us very proud already.   

In No Mood to Work

I don’t know why … could be cause I know my little sister’s wedding is on this weekend but I’m in a bludgy kinda mode. Could also be cause I’ve been working my butt off since I returned back to work from holidays and feel I’m entitled to relax a little bit.

It could be cause I’m actually feeling fatigue which is ironic. During our holiday we would be walking practically all day and out at night, but back home I commute 3 hours of the day (usually sitting in a seat), sit at a desk all day yet I'm feeling exhausted and run down.

Whatever the reason I’m in no mood to do any work – for the rest of today.

I even didn’t go for a run and had a longer lunch with this hottie ...

Bring on the weekend!!

Eli's 1st Birthday

It's been over a month since I last posted on here. 

As I have mentioned previously I'm really bad at committing to write in a blog. I forget all about it and when I do want to blog its nothing blog worthy (in my opinion) just some random thoughts I want to take note of, because when/if I re read those comments later on I know what I'm referring to. Surely there must be an app where I can take notes of my random thoughts especially when I'm on the go.

So since my last post my little man turn into a bigger little man and had his first birthday. I can't believe he's 1! I can't believe its been a year since I popped him out ... naturally and in 25mins.

His superheroes themed birthday party was really cute with most children guests rocking up in costume. We hired a ball pit and a jumping castle which was smart idea as it allowed parents to put their kids in a gated area leaving their arms free to at least ate. My sisters decorated the venue to match the theme and sister I was the hostess with the mostess in charge of the games. Food wise it was a filo style menu with filo spaghetti, spring rolls, fried chicken, sweet bread and letchon. He received so many gift and people once again were so generous in their giving. He really is loved and we are so grateful for such wonderful people in his life.

And he can walk now too ... He started walking a month prior to his birthday

Our super little man ... 

Happy 1st Birthday Elijah, you changed our world and also the center of it. Mummy and Daddy love you so much

Dedication

On Saturday we dedicated our son to God. We invited mostly people whom we believe we will still be friends with in 10, 20, 30 years from now … basically people who will see our family grow. In my opinion it was an event I felt I did the less preparation for. I barely organized anything and a few days leading up to the event I began to worry about whether I did enough for my son.

To my surprise the event was a success. The church ceremony was short and sweet with most guests turning up to the ceremony. Everyone looked lovely, well dressed and polished. The reception was held at Siam Corner, a local thai restaurant down the road from us. The feedback on the food was it was delicious and the buffet option was a hit. I noticed most people went back for seconds and thirds. The giveaways, macaroons wrapped in personalised tags that Ian and I did at the last minute was well received. Someone even asked whether I got it done through a third party vendor.

I was glad and relieved that the whole day was simple, beautiful and an intimate affair.

Eli was also well behaved (as always). He slept through most of the ceremony and the reception. At both occasions we eventually woke him up from his sleep so we could take photos as proof he was present (and awake) at his own dedication. A lot of people commented on how cute he looked and how well behave he was all day. Around large groups of people he usually keeps quiet and observes his surroundings, a character trait I hope and believe he will carry on as he gets older especially when he’s a toddler.

During the ceremony Ian read out the love letter I wrote to our son before he was born. I wrote it after a message I heard from a guest speaker at church. He exhorted on how he physically wrote down prophesies on his children’s lives and explain that they came to life and encouraged us to do the same with our children. So I wrote a love letter to my son detailing the kind of man I want him to be and explained the love his father and I have for him. When Ian read it out loud I felt a little emotional however I contained it because I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone. After the ceremony several people came up to me and said how beautiful and blessed they felt hearing my letter and what an impact it had made on them. Again I was surprised by this feedback. I know I put my heart into this letter so I know what I wrote is with the most sincerity.

Below is the love letter to my son … as suggested by some tita’s I will write this and frame it to be kept in his room.  

"To our dearest son,

Firstly know that you are loved. Before you even come into this world the though of you made our hearts over flow with love that we never knew we felt. May you feel that love throughout you life not just from us your parents but from our families and those you choose to open your life to. You are the most precious gift God gave us and we will cherish you forever. Your life was perfectly timed at this moment for you have a purpose.

Before you were born we knew you will be knowledgeable beyond your years, exhibit many talents and posses unique gifts God crafted especially for you. You will be beautiful inside and out, posse confidence with humility, be compassionate and giving, sweet and loving - a true gentlemen. You will be obedient and honest especially to your parents.

You will be successful and reap rewards in everything you put your heart into. You will be a role model and leader to many, making a positive impact in whatever area you pursue in life. You will love your family and be close to us and your future siblings.

Remember to dream big and never stop dreaming for God has great plans for you, plans beyond your wildest dreams. You will achieve things that will surprise you and be set apart from those around you.

Most of all you will be God fearing and have a relationship with your creator.

Our encouragement is for you to know that your misjudgements do not define you, do not take into heart negative criticism but learn from your errors and avoid the same pitfalls.

Son, you have bought out the best out of us but know we are not perfect. At times we may not meet your expectation and we may make decisions that may seem unfair but you will understand those reasons later in life. Our words and actions are never to harm you but to equip, challenge, guide and protect you.

Know that you have our support and our love forever. We love you son

Love

Mama & Papa" 

Pastor GP doing the honors

With the Ninang's - SSL & YS

The Ninong's DD & MA

 Amazing dedication day. I couldn't have wished for a more special and perfect day for our son.

First Week Back

This entry is way over due so I'll just add to it. 

Just to digress .... When I re read my old blogs I noticed I wrote about non trival things that it just wasting space on the world wide web. I regretted not writing about real emotions and experiences I had at the time so I could reflect on them in the future. So now for this blog I find myself starting an entry and saving so I can add to it when I have more time to do so ....

My first week back I only worked 2 days but it was enough. I wish I only worked 2 days a week. So last week was my first full week of work. The week does not fly like I was hoping it would, to me it still felt like a full 5 day working week.

On Tuesday I really missed being around my son. I think the ridiculous 2 hours it took me to get home that day didn't help. I miss being around him all day. Leaving Eli to be looked after by family wasn't my issue its not seeing him grow and witness all his first's is what breaks my heart. This period of his life is only a small window of time and I wish I was present 24 hours a day. When I am with him I could stop and just be around him. It's such a odd feeling. I am (and still is) such a "like to keep busy" person but when it comes to my son, I'm content to just be still and be in his space. Of course the stuff I need to get done is always on my mind whirling around while I'm with him, but when I know he wants to play I'm more than willing to play with him. Any task that needs to be done can wait. 

I wonder if this feeling will ever fade? The downside to my over attention to Eli is the mis perception Ian gets that Eli favours me more. I've noticed his made this comments and forming this kinda of attitude may result in him not trying as hard as he thinks I am enough. I remind him constantly that this period in our child's life is only a short season of time and its best we enjoy it as much as we can. Time will fly so quickly and next thing you know they're old enough to not want to do anything with us.

Oh Eli I wish I could keep you as a a baby forever. You're so perfect and adorable.

      

Raising Kids

My maternity leave time is almost over.

Those six months flew so fast although at the start they felt like the longest days ever. I recall the first month and the adjustment to the change in my life. There were times I feared certain times of the day like in the morning, trying to be as alert as possible for the early feeds as I did not get much sleep the night before. The afternoons the long hall trying to get him to settle enough to sleep and the evenings the juggling act of carefully placing him in his bassinet hoping not to wake him.

Reflecting on the last five months it seems sleep, or the lack of it for Eli and I was the key struggle we had.

We starting to prepare for my come back to work. We've spoken to both our parents about arrangement for Eli on days I am working. 

I think about whether I would be upset returning back to work. I know I'm going to miss being around  him all day but cry ... I don't know. I didn't even cry when I gave birth. I'll probably be sad and feel a sense of guilt, but what working mom doesn't feel that. 

As I enter back into work I reflect on how hard both my parents worked to raise us kids. There's one memory I have when I was in year one, there was a school event, a parade from memory where parents were invited to come to the school to watch. I remember wishing my parents were there to watch and how sad it made me feel that they weren't. I remember feeling envious of the other kids whose parents were there. I know my parents needed to work as hard as they did to ensure we lived in a comfortable home, went to good schools and provide as much as they possibly could. Our parents had to make sacrifices to give us the life we have now.

Of course I didn't understand that when I was young. All I ever felt growing up was how much more I wanted my parents to be around. How lonely I felt unable to open up to my family because we didn't talk. How so caught up they were in the daily grind that they were too exhausted to talk. 

Having a child has awaken the childhood feelings I've learnt to suppress. I reflect on the behaviours from my parents that I didn't understand or made me feel horrible. I want to ensure I avoid those pitfalls and raise my son differently to how I was raised. I want to build on a strong relationship built on open communication, patience and trust.                    

"Eli I don't want to go back to work I promise to give you as much attention as you need when I am around you. I promise to dedicate the time I'm with you to nurturing you and teaching you everything I know." - Love Mama     

A Moment of Weakness

Eli's been very unsettled last few days. What I mean by unsettled I'm talking about burst of sookiness or "fake cries" throughout the day, constantly wants to be held and taking up to 3 hours just to get him to sleep. It's an exhausting process which takes up so much time and poorly appropriate now that Ian's gone back to work. 

We don't really know what could be causing it. We've noticed his skin has flared up again due to the recent heat and humidity so he's been scratching his chest and behind his ears in irritation. We also noticed his ears were really smelly last week with lots of ear wax and we did go to the doctors to get a recommendation on how to tackle the wax but was told to do nothing more than what we're doing now.

This unpredictable behavior has made me wish I wasn't a mom. Made me want things to go back to how they use to be. I hated that I had no time to do anything I wanted to do, how all Ian and I ever talk about is him and planning our lives around him and annoyed at how demanding and hard work it all is.

But then he'll raise his arm and play with my mouth or babbles a conversations with me and my heart just melts. Seeing him happy (when he isn't sooking) makes me happy and fills me with love. 

I love my son so much. He is my precious gift and I will ensure no harm ever touches him.

I may not like being a mom at times but this love I feel towards him and the flow on affects it has on me I'm glad he bought it into my life.

Falling in Love

Yesterday Eli wanted to play most of the day and when he was sleepy he wanted to be held. So we spent most of the day ogling and looking at each other. We're bonding so much and I'm falling so much in love with him. I say this because I was not one of those mothers who cried when they first saw their baby or felt an instant flow of love for this person who just miraculously appeared. 

Let me explain .. Firstly I'm a direct and thick skinned person. I let a selected few people close to me and always have my guard up. With people I don't trust I tent to take a pessimistic approach to the relationship until they have proven themselves to me. I view relationships as a choice, as in you choose who you want to associate your time with therefore, if you are surrounded by malicious people then that's your choice and it's your choice to get yourself away from those people too.  

So if those are my views on relationships how can you expect someone like me to meet someone I don't know and just love this person without first getting to know them a little more. 

I recall a conversation about motherhood with another mother who asked me "didn't you just fall in love?" I didn't respond cause my answer would have been "No ... we don't know each other that well just yet." 

I know regardless a mother will love their child but I can admit for me it didn't come instantly. I always thought the "bonding" they speak of between a mother and baby was for the baby's sake but I believe its for the mother as well.